"Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No - the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." Brene Brown
Everything about being a parenting is messy. Before we actually have that first child, we have vague imaginings about the kind of parent we will be and the perfect eternally-compliant child that we will have. Then between the first cry and the first feed, we realise that nothing is going according to plan and that little being has it own AGENDA. Suddenly and without any politeness, we no longer own our lives or our time-clocks. Some of us cotton on quickly that its like a roller coaster ride - we can clench up and steel ourselves against the flinging about or we can just let our bodies fly with the physics of the ride, enjoy the terror and hang on for dear life. Some of us who started the ride before with the whole mystery of natural childbirth start to recall how it's like riding the waves of labour - you can seize up and jack up the pain and fear, or you can surf the contractions, moan and sway like a graceless bovine and let it pass right through you. So it is, as a clumsy metaphor for the parenting journey, that parenting is not about making it right so that we can launch this new rock star into the world, but rather, catching the waves of mess and chaos and riding it to shore.
Our child will present all kinds of daily reminders that we are not fully in charge. We are not blank slates and neither are our children - they come into the world with their own imprinted personalities. God help us if their personalities don't gel naturally with ours. I am a bona-fide introvert, whether born or bred, and my second child came out with beaming smile and engaging eye-contact ready to make friends with the hospital orderly. This was not the quiet contemplative existence that I wanted to cocoon my family in, I had to learn how to do 'proper' play-dates where I had to keep accepting invitations to more. It was my personal hell for a while but that wave would only last till my child learnt (quickly) how to develop his own social circles and I could recede back into my hermit state. He has grown used to the fact that we are not a very 'networked' family and never will be, but in embracing the mess for those first years, it has enabled him to be the charismatic leader that he is.
Parenting is messy because it is one big sucker-punch of a spiritual journey. Unlike a meditation retreat where you get to be in a holy environment surrounded by like-minded peace-loving people, parenting is all about how to practise that elusive loving-kindness and equanimity in the midst of the laundry and dishes. I have to dig deep into that well-spring of calm so that I don't mindlessly flip out in anger, frustration and fear. I have to find a way to get centred so that I can truly see who my children are. And sometimes , many times, I will fail. And like coming back to the breath, I just try to regain my balance.
Sometimes in meditation, I am bombarded by images of past failings and transgressions like mocking Maras - the mind swirls in a putrid mess and the only way to 'tackle' it is to actually SIT IN IT. Then it passes and having braced the fire, I am stronger and calmer. Similarly, parenting can thrust some dreadful memories of our past back into our consciousness. We are forced to pull up some of our sacred cows of conflict, communication and discipline and really consider where we buried the bodies. How do we really think our parents (or other models of parenting) taught us about how to live our lives? Some of us may think that we are doing things differently because we now know better, but are our decisions based on some knee-jerk emotional reaction to what we experienced? As with meditation, we need to sit in it - the mess of these thoughts and emotions, until the water stills and the mud settles.
And then the child grows. He's going to make us proud but he's also going to do a lot of things that we DON'T LIKE. It's a messy business trying to keep him from doing the 'wrong thing', keeping our cool, figuring out whether we are certain about the 'right' thing, and making sure the rest of the family doesn't implode. And then there's the part about the keeping our person-hood intact.
But there is some gloriousness in the mess. Like the adage about how in life pain is inevitable but suffering is optional, so can we embrace the mess. Embrace it, accept it, and let it go. Parenting is messy but the mess ebbs and flows. Enjoy the ride - it's a thrill of a lifetime!
